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I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell. - this is me with the words on the tip of my tongue. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
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I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell. [Sep. 26th, 2006|10:50 pm]
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[Current Mood |okayokay]
[Current Music |The Format. STILL!]

I talked to my friend Cameron on the phone last night for quite a while.
I called him, which is super weird of me, but I really needed to talk.
And he helped me a lot with myself.
Lately I've been feeling all sorts of crazy.
Mainly because of one situation, but it's making everything else feel like hell.
Either way, he told me that I need to distance myself from that situation and just give myself time.
And I think that's what I will do.
He's very smart and came up with really good points, and drew out a lot of information from me that I didn't even know I held.
I feel at least 100 times better, and more in control of myself and my feelings and actions, as well as in control of my life.
I'm so afraid of change, and I know it happens all the time, but it doesn't make it any more bearable.
I change, friends change, feelings change, relationships change, everything changes.
I asked him why?
He told me it's because that's the way life is.
I told him I don't like life.

School started yesterday.
I love it.
I have English 110, Ames 100 and Math. (Not gonna say what level math because it's sad.)
I have a really cute boy in my English class. His name is Cody. And holy wow. We did this ice breaker thing today, and I didn't feel like moving. And what do you know? This cute boy comes and starts talking to me. And his teeth are BEAUTIFUL. Absolutely beautiful. That class will be great, I can tell already. I've made a few "friends" there, and they're really nice. I can't wait to get to know them better. My teacher also already knows my name, Michelle Casanova, and I like that. He's super awkward and funny. :)
Ames 100. My teacher is a little strange, but I can dig it. There's not really any cute boys in that class, but that's okay. My teacher is weird looking though. Her eyes are so huge that they pop out of their sockets.
I only have my math class on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 7:00-9:30 at night. There's not really any cute boys in that class either. In fact, most of the people in there are hella old. And my teacher. She's weird too!!! She has this very manly voice, and she's really funny. There's something super weird I noticed about her. HER LEFT BOOB TWITCHES!!! I couldn't help but stare. I was like, dude, what the hell? And then I realized that my right boob is bigger than my left boob. Not JUST realized, but you know. I decided abnormalities with tits are okay, I suppose.

I have to do my homework right after I finish writing this entry, and I'm excited to do it. How odd. I'm excited to do homework, :).

Anyway.
I feel like I have to explain the situation that I'm going crazy over.
Using pseudo names.
I'll use my one of my favorite bands names.
Okay.
So this boy Derby.
I'm pretty sure I like him.
I don't really know why or how, I just do. Some things you can't explain, apparently.
I'm also really convinced that he loves this girl named Daphne.
That's basically all of it, kind of. It's a lot more complex than that, but that's all I want to get into. But if you're really interested in knowing the rest, oh I will tell you. But if you're reading my journal, I'm sure I've already told you.

Cameron told me that he can tell that I probably like him, but he doesn't think that he's good for me anyway. (Who the hell does he think is good for me? Jeez.)
I completely agree with him, but I just can't help the way I feel. And we both think that I need time to think everything over and just allow myself to feel whatever it is I have to.
Eric told me that I'm jealous. Probably true also. Either way, nice guys (or girls) finish last. But always stronger.
And Dan. The love of my life that I hardly talk to but is always there for me when I need him and gives the best advice possible. (Really long run on sentence, haha.) He said that I like him, but friends aren't supposed to treat each other the way he treats me.

And a bunch of other stuff.
I feel like a better person.
None of this really makes sense to me right now, so I don't expect it to make sense to anyone else.
Bottom line is I just want to be myself right now and not worry about anything or anyone else besides me. I don't care how selfish that is, it is how it is.
I still care about everyone profusely, but if I care about everyone else so much, who will care about me? No one. So I have to.

Alsoooooooo.
I love Cameron hella.
Probably my favorite person ever right now.

Which reminds me.
I need a new phone friend.
I like those and miss them.
LinkReply

Comments:
From: (Anonymous)
2006-09-27 06:57 am (UTC)
DUUUUUUUDDE!
I hella could tell you liked Derby right from the start.
There is no trickin me.
How is he not good for you though?
and how does Cameron know whats good for you?
I must know this!

P.s. I'm pretty sure Derby is just lost, and does not like Daphne, and once he finds his way, he'll realize you're the only love there is, because your Michelle Casanova and you make boobs twitch!
nigga what!?

I love you!
And good luck with all your troubles.<33
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[User Picture]From: countonme2split
2006-09-27 07:29 pm (UTC)
Dangitttttttttt.
There's just no hiding anything from you, :-P.
And.
He's not good for me because duh.
He doesn't like me, haha.
And Cameron knows what's good for me because he has my best interest in mind and just wants whatever I want, that isn't hurtful or destructive.
And your P.S. is wrong. Her boobs just twitch because.
I love you though. :)
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