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With Honor [Oct. 16th, 2006|09:25 pm]
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[Current Location |MY MOTHA FUCKING ROOM.]
[Current Mood |crappycrappy]
[Current Music |Thursday]

If I have to be your best friend
If that's all that I can get
Then I'll take the job with honor,
I'll be the best one yet.
I'll offer you my shoulder
I'll show you how I care
I'll be there when you need me,
I'm not going anywhere.
If I have to be your best friend
The one that hears your cry,
I'll take the job with honor,
I'll take the job with pride.
My love for you is stronger than you will ever know
But for you to ever love me, I will have to let you go
You need time to find your purpose
You need time to sort your thoughts
But when the course has ended
And the race has finally been run
Remember it's your best friend who's loved you from day one.

What a beautiful poem.
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I think I'm right. [Oct. 8th, 2006|09:32 pm]
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[Current Location |Home.]
[Current Mood |numbnonchalant.]
[Current Music |If Bears Were Bees <3]

Sometimes I think it's more worth it to give up than to fight for something that was never there.
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I'll give you whatever you want. [Sep. 28th, 2006|11:34 pm]
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[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]
[Current Music |The Format. STILL STILL.]

FACT.
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(no subject) [Sep. 28th, 2006|12:44 pm]
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[Current Location |WORK!]
[Current Mood |contentcontent]
[Current Music |Hidden In Plain View (in my head.)]

I must admit, I am a very lucky girl.
I'm sitting at work now, I just finished all my reading for my English 110 class (which is a lot of reading, by the way), and I'm here writing in my journal. GETTING PAID while doing it.
It's like part of the work study program, except I'm getting paid more and doing less. And it's not through the school, haha.
Today is going to be a really long day, pretty much all of my Tuesdays and Thursdays will be. I go to school from 8-10. Work from 11:30-4:30. School from 7-9:30. Not going home at all between those times. It probably doesn't seem like it's too long, but being away from my bed for that long is horrible.

School is becoming my favorite thing.
I enjoy it a lot more than I thought I would.
I knew I'd like it, but the stuff I'm learning is really interesting, and I feel like I'm gaining a lot more out of it than I used to. I think I'm more mature and ready to accept new things, and that's good when you're going to school, haha. I like my tits. I just wrote that to see if anyone actually pays attention to this stuff. I think everyone's so drawn in to drama and bad things happening to other people that they forget good things happen too. And good things are, well, good things.

I learned something insane in my AMES class today. Apparently "race" has very little to do with biology. It only counts for less than 3%, maybe even less than 1% of our whole being. Our skin color, our hair type, all just looks. Only one gene determines this, but it makes a lot of difference to everyone else in the world. It's basically the determining factor of how we live our lives, and what we do, everything. Less than 1% of our biology changes everything. How crazy is that? And we have our groups, whites, blacks, asians, latino's. According to the studies, we have 85% more differences between our groups than we have with people from other groups. It just blows my mind. I haven't been victim to much discrimination, but with one of my "friends," I feel like I went through a lot of it. She's white and I think she's in lower class, but she thinks she's middle class...even maybe high class. Either way, she made it seem like she was a lot better than me, which is not true at all. She tried to degrade me for whatever reasons, probably just because she's a racist, and I find this information out. Like wow. And it's not only her. My whole family. All the Filipino people. All of the asians even. They look down on me because I like the music I like, I talk the way I do, I am the way I am. I'm not a meek asian. Sorry I'm taller than 4'10, and I weigh more than 98 pounds. A lot more, haha. Anyway. I just thought that was weird.

I've also decided to just let everything go. I'm already stressed with school enough as it is, and I don't want to stress myself out with friends or anything else. My main focus is school, and that's the way it should be. I'm not going to involve myself in anything besides it. But god damn. That boy in my English 110 class is so cute. And when he smiles I can't help but look. And then it makes me smile too. And it just makes all of my days THAT much better. :)
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I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell. [Sep. 26th, 2006|10:50 pm]
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[Current Mood |okayokay]
[Current Music |The Format. STILL!]

I talked to my friend Cameron on the phone last night for quite a while.
I called him, which is super weird of me, but I really needed to talk.
And he helped me a lot with myself.
Lately I've been feeling all sorts of crazy.
Mainly because of one situation, but it's making everything else feel like hell.
Either way, he told me that I need to distance myself from that situation and just give myself time.
And I think that's what I will do.
He's very smart and came up with really good points, and drew out a lot of information from me that I didn't even know I held.
I feel at least 100 times better, and more in control of myself and my feelings and actions, as well as in control of my life.
I'm so afraid of change, and I know it happens all the time, but it doesn't make it any more bearable.
I change, friends change, feelings change, relationships change, everything changes.
I asked him why?
He told me it's because that's the way life is.
I told him I don't like life.

School started yesterday.
I love it.
I have English 110, Ames 100 and Math. (Not gonna say what level math because it's sad.)
I have a really cute boy in my English class. His name is Cody. And holy wow. We did this ice breaker thing today, and I didn't feel like moving. And what do you know? This cute boy comes and starts talking to me. And his teeth are BEAUTIFUL. Absolutely beautiful. That class will be great, I can tell already. I've made a few "friends" there, and they're really nice. I can't wait to get to know them better. My teacher also already knows my name, Michelle Casanova, and I like that. He's super awkward and funny. :)
Ames 100. My teacher is a little strange, but I can dig it. There's not really any cute boys in that class, but that's okay. My teacher is weird looking though. Her eyes are so huge that they pop out of their sockets.
I only have my math class on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 7:00-9:30 at night. There's not really any cute boys in that class either. In fact, most of the people in there are hella old. And my teacher. She's weird too!!! She has this very manly voice, and she's really funny. There's something super weird I noticed about her. HER LEFT BOOB TWITCHES!!! I couldn't help but stare. I was like, dude, what the hell? And then I realized that my right boob is bigger than my left boob. Not JUST realized, but you know. I decided abnormalities with tits are okay, I suppose.

I have to do my homework right after I finish writing this entry, and I'm excited to do it. How odd. I'm excited to do homework, :).

Anyway.
I feel like I have to explain the situation that I'm going crazy over.
Using pseudo names.
I'll use my one of my favorite bands names.
Okay.
So this boy Derby.
I'm pretty sure I like him.
I don't really know why or how, I just do. Some things you can't explain, apparently.
I'm also really convinced that he loves this girl named Daphne.
That's basically all of it, kind of. It's a lot more complex than that, but that's all I want to get into. But if you're really interested in knowing the rest, oh I will tell you. But if you're reading my journal, I'm sure I've already told you.

Cameron told me that he can tell that I probably like him, but he doesn't think that he's good for me anyway. (Who the hell does he think is good for me? Jeez.)
I completely agree with him, but I just can't help the way I feel. And we both think that I need time to think everything over and just allow myself to feel whatever it is I have to.
Eric told me that I'm jealous. Probably true also. Either way, nice guys (or girls) finish last. But always stronger.
And Dan. The love of my life that I hardly talk to but is always there for me when I need him and gives the best advice possible. (Really long run on sentence, haha.) He said that I like him, but friends aren't supposed to treat each other the way he treats me.

And a bunch of other stuff.
I feel like a better person.
None of this really makes sense to me right now, so I don't expect it to make sense to anyone else.
Bottom line is I just want to be myself right now and not worry about anything or anyone else besides me. I don't care how selfish that is, it is how it is.
I still care about everyone profusely, but if I care about everyone else so much, who will care about me? No one. So I have to.

Alsoooooooo.
I love Cameron hella.
Probably my favorite person ever right now.

Which reminds me.
I need a new phone friend.
I like those and miss them.
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I feel like shit. [Sep. 24th, 2006|03:30 am]
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[Current Mood |crushedblahfuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.]
[Current Music |The Format.]

And I'm 100% sure I don't want to care about anyone again.
Fuck you.
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eeeeeeeep! [Sep. 22nd, 2006|02:43 pm]
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[Current Mood |contemplativemeh]

I'm pretty sure I like a boy.
Don't know why.
Don't know how.
I just do.
But he's going away for a long time.
To somewhere far away.
And that makes me sad.
Whatever.
He's really cute.
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I'm not your star. [Sep. 19th, 2006|02:37 pm]
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[Current Location |Work!]
[Current Mood |contentcontent]
[Current Music |Warm 106.9]

First day to start my fresh new journal. :)
Everyone always asks me why I get new journals, it must be pretty annoying.
I just feel like a new person, or I want to be one, and I don't want to be attached to who I used to be and all the old experiences.
So here I am.
This is the preamble to the new me, and new experiences. :)
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